Russia is the promised land of endless bystanders, defined by Wikipedia as "a person who, although present at some event, does not take part in it; an observer or spectator" (sorry for the dictionary reference-start of text). In Finnish I call them "päivystäjä", someone on duty, watching and guarding. Usually these are men of all ages, just sitting, standing or squatting (the infamous slavsquat, check http://slavsquat.com/ to find out what it's all about) by the streets, in front of supermarkets, on their balconies, wherever. Ever observing, alone or in groups. Some of these guys are called "gopniks" (Гопники, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gopnik), who seem to have a complete subculture of their own. In a city as small as Petrozavodsk, you see these bystanders everywhere. In Russia, unemployment is considered as the person's own fault, as from what I've learnt. So I guess there isn't much sympathy around for these men, unemployed and seemingly without purpose.
For me, these bystanders are a nuisance only when I go jogging. Because in Russia, when people do sports, they do it at a specific place, a gym etc. It's really rare to go jogging on the streets. When I go with J, I'm fine. But when I go alone or with my roommate (also a girl), the calling and yelling and commenting from these bystanders is endless. It doesn't seem like people are saying anything terribly rude, although I usually only understand "dyevushka" which means "young woman". But with time it becomes so frustrating. Just please let me jog (or hippo-crawl, which more close reality) in peace. When accompanied by a male, there is no yelling or commenting. Male company gives me some kind of testosterone shield, that other men respect, too. The authority of the male protects me. Argh! More than once I've cursed the fact that I don't know any proper insults in Russian. Although, I don't think insults in lousy Russian would improve the situation at all, since then they'd know that not only am I a jogging female but also a foreigner...
Anyhow, back to my original point, if there was any. I can't help but wonder (and that's the most Carrie Bradshaw start of sentence ever) what would come if all these people "without purpose" found a purpose. If they would realise their potential and maybe employ their resources to change things. To improve the situation of their families and themselves. I think Russia(n government) should see these people as a potential threat, because when a big group of people with a lot of time in their hands decides to combine their efforts and get something done, anything can happen.
torstai 11. syyskuuta 2014
torstai 14. elokuuta 2014
Boundaries of selfishness
I feel like I’m too young to give up on my dreams. I’ve always thought the greatest part of being young is the almost limitless freedom: I don’t own anything (valuable) and I’m not responsible for anyone else. Therefore I’m free to do what ever the hell I want in life. Right?
Yes, I can make any choices I want. But I must accept that every action has its consequences. Selfish behaviour often hurts others. I still think deciding to stay in Petrozavodsk was and is the right decision. I had a strong feeling that I just had to do it. I needed to feel that I’m in control of my own life and not heading towards a life I never really chose but which just somehow happened.
The Conventional Pattern (Sovinnainen kaava)
1) Get a place to study.
2) Find a spouse.
3) Get engaged a few years before graduation.
4) Graduate on time.
5) Get married.
6) Find a job in Helsinki.
7) Move to Espoo suburbs (with way too big a mortgage).
8) Start making babies because you’re so bored.
9) Realise this isn’t the life you wanted.
Sometime last year I realised my life was heading exactly towards this “proper way of living”. I felt like this type of life was expected of me. Who expected it? Certainly not my parents, they’re happy if I’m happy, no matter what kind of a life I choose to lead. The Finnish society is fairly liberal and it’s definitely not expecting this kind of a pattern from me. It’s only me who’s built this pattern in my head it’s only myself I’m rebelling against. For a long time I thought The Pattern was what J wanted from life. Now I’ve learnt he doesn’t want it any more than I do.
Moving to Petrozavodsk has made me feel like I’m in control. I’m in charge of my own life. It’s a very misguided feeling because who can control life. Isn’t it the most ridiculous thought? Anything can happen. While we can have some influence on the smaller issues in life, the big picture is determined by greater forces.
I guess the challenge here it to turn this experience from running away from something into taking in adventures and learning. I think I’ve already partly achieved this but there are still some issues to tackle. The biggest issue is how to combine this thirst for adventure and feeling of freedom with a steady relationship. When I told J about the opportunity to stay and work here, I promised him we would make the decision together. Now that I think of it, I probably would’ve stayed anyhow. Of course the decision would’ve been much harder to make, had he said he doesn’t want me to stay. It’s such a paradox. I do think that big decisions like this should be made together but simultaneously I think it’s wrong to “limit” the other person. That especially at such a young age, we should encourage the other person to fulfill their dreams, even though it might be tough sometimes. J pointed out that he doesn’t want to limit me, he just wants these to be mutual decisions. He wishes that the other person’s feelings would weigh more when making such decisions. And I agree. But how can it be a mutual decision, if I think it would be wrong for him to say no?
I strongly feel like I’m too young to start making compromises. Too young to give up on what I want from my life. But when does the time of sacrifices start? How much can you ask from your loved ones?
Advice is appreciated.
keskiviikko 23. heinäkuuta 2014
Beginning of Part II
After such a long blogging silence, it's a little hard to get back at it. Why did this blog die all of a sudden? Well, first of all, I found friends. And things to do in Petro. So less time for blogging. Secondly, I got used to living in Russia. All the things that foreigners find interesting in Russia became so normal that writing about them seemed dull. The biggest reason for the blogging silence was because I didn't feel like writing deep, analyzing texts about the "Russian mind" that would be interesting for readers. Not that I ever really meant to write such texts but nevertheless, I felt no such journalistic interest. At the same time I didn't dare to write about very personal stuff, either. So then you're either stuck with very shallow stuff or not writing at all.
But now I'm here and will try to continue. Maybe. No promises made!
As most of my thousands and thousands of (five) eager readers would know, I'm still here in Petrozavodsk. The spring went past very fast and as a slow adapter I'm happy that I could stay. I felt like I learnt way too little Russian during the spring (a language course that was way too easy didn't help much) and felt like just as I started to feel like at home here, I had to go back. Luckily a summer job application turned into a one year contract at the Finnish consulate and I got to continue this adventure a bit longer.
How are things over here now? Every now and then I have to stop, take a deep breath and actively realise something: my life is just like I've always wanted it to be. Yes that's right, here in poor dirty Petrozavodsk. For a long time I've dreamed of a life settled in Finland but with working abroad every once in a while. And here I am, doing just that. And I haven't even graduated yet! I guess it's like how J put it: "I've come to realise you're just the type of person who has to spend a year abroad every now and then." No, I'm not working in New York, making tons of money or "making contacts" (my least favourite phrase in the world) with important people. Those are other people's dreams. I'm living in a people-sized town and have a nice job where I get to work with people and learn things every day. I work with clients who apply for a residence permit in Finland (so basically anyone wishing to live in Finland continuously for more than three months). I speak my appalling Russian and most of the time, I'm understood. Let's hope one year is enough to go from appalling to decent!
On a personal side of things, there's one thing that is missing from Petrozavodsk. It's J. Being in a long-distance relationship has made us stronger than ever and taught us lots but man it's though. I'd much rather share this adventure with him. Luckily J might have an adventure of his own coming in January. Anyhow, skypeing really isn't the same as sharing a normal life together. It's so unnatural and weird. In normal life, how often do you stare at someone's face for an hour or two? Thank God J is here now and will stay for a month or two. I wish he could stay. Not because I can't live without him. But because life with him is so much better.
But now I'm here and will try to continue. Maybe. No promises made!
As most of my thousands and thousands of (five) eager readers would know, I'm still here in Petrozavodsk. The spring went past very fast and as a slow adapter I'm happy that I could stay. I felt like I learnt way too little Russian during the spring (a language course that was way too easy didn't help much) and felt like just as I started to feel like at home here, I had to go back. Luckily a summer job application turned into a one year contract at the Finnish consulate and I got to continue this adventure a bit longer.
How are things over here now? Every now and then I have to stop, take a deep breath and actively realise something: my life is just like I've always wanted it to be. Yes that's right, here in poor dirty Petrozavodsk. For a long time I've dreamed of a life settled in Finland but with working abroad every once in a while. And here I am, doing just that. And I haven't even graduated yet! I guess it's like how J put it: "I've come to realise you're just the type of person who has to spend a year abroad every now and then." No, I'm not working in New York, making tons of money or "making contacts" (my least favourite phrase in the world) with important people. Those are other people's dreams. I'm living in a people-sized town and have a nice job where I get to work with people and learn things every day. I work with clients who apply for a residence permit in Finland (so basically anyone wishing to live in Finland continuously for more than three months). I speak my appalling Russian and most of the time, I'm understood. Let's hope one year is enough to go from appalling to decent!
On a personal side of things, there's one thing that is missing from Petrozavodsk. It's J. Being in a long-distance relationship has made us stronger than ever and taught us lots but man it's though. I'd much rather share this adventure with him. Luckily J might have an adventure of his own coming in January. Anyhow, skypeing really isn't the same as sharing a normal life together. It's so unnatural and weird. In normal life, how often do you stare at someone's face for an hour or two? Thank God J is here now and will stay for a month or two. I wish he could stay. Not because I can't live without him. But because life with him is so much better.
lauantai 5. huhtikuuta 2014
Back to school
After a wonderful trip to Kyrgyzstan (more on that later) it's been time to get back to the university life here. Not that I really feel like a part of the Petrozavodsk State University. It's just so different. Practically, it's like school. Most people start university at 17 and finish with their Bachelor's degree at 21. I know that at 24 I'm not that much older than these students but still, I feel old. In many ways I feel like I'm back to high school. We sit in class rooms where everyone has their own usual seat. All the stereotypes from school are there. There are the pretty girls and the study-hard people. There are the butch guys sitting in the last row. There's the quiet girl with greasy hair who's talking to no one and is drawing dragons in her notebook. Classroom walls have project posters made by students by cutting pictures from magazines. Desks have drawings and writing on them.
Of course, I can talk about my faculty only, of Political and Social Sciences. There students study with their group (class) and have little choice in their studies. There's a timetable on the board for each group and they follow it. Lecturers teach facts, mainly. They speak from their notes or from memory and usually don't provide sources. On the lectures I've attended, there hasn't been any power points or hand outs. Students make notes in their notebooks or on tablets. Students have long days at uni and a lot of homework. They work a lot harder than what I do at home.
No sign of "academic freedom" or the "society of researchers" we so often talk about in Finnish universities. (Of course, I have no idea what's really going on, I'm practically an outsider dropping in on a few lectures every now and then and only understand a bit more than half of what's being said.) For our universities, teaching critical thinking is the main goal. Here, it's mainly teaching facts. I have to say, though, the best might be somewhere in the middle. Sure, anyone can learn facts from Wikipedia. Still, as a Finnish uni student, I'm often ashamed of how little I know (about the EU for example).
Of course, I can talk about my faculty only, of Political and Social Sciences. There students study with their group (class) and have little choice in their studies. There's a timetable on the board for each group and they follow it. Lecturers teach facts, mainly. They speak from their notes or from memory and usually don't provide sources. On the lectures I've attended, there hasn't been any power points or hand outs. Students make notes in their notebooks or on tablets. Students have long days at uni and a lot of homework. They work a lot harder than what I do at home.
No sign of "academic freedom" or the "society of researchers" we so often talk about in Finnish universities. (Of course, I have no idea what's really going on, I'm practically an outsider dropping in on a few lectures every now and then and only understand a bit more than half of what's being said.) For our universities, teaching critical thinking is the main goal. Here, it's mainly teaching facts. I have to say, though, the best might be somewhere in the middle. Sure, anyone can learn facts from Wikipedia. Still, as a Finnish uni student, I'm often ashamed of how little I know (about the EU for example).
It's a man's world
I'm so frustrated with being a woman in Russia. It feels like the whole country is being run by some kind of Men's Club where I have no access to.
As a woman in Russia I'm ignored constantly. While men shake their hands when they meet, I'm lucky if I get a polite nod. It doesn't matter who knows who the best, guys get the handshakes. It's becoming obvious it's impossible for me to be friends with Russian men. If I pay a lot of attention to a Russian guy, I'm automatically assumed to be interested in him. Apparently guys and girls just can't be close friends. I've realised I have to be careful with that, not to make any girls think I'm after their boyfriends and so on.
As a woman in Russia I'm ignored constantly. While men shake their hands when they meet, I'm lucky if I get a polite nod. It doesn't matter who knows who the best, guys get the handshakes. It's becoming obvious it's impossible for me to be friends with Russian men. If I pay a lot of attention to a Russian guy, I'm automatically assumed to be interested in him. Apparently guys and girls just can't be close friends. I've realised I have to be careful with that, not to make any girls think I'm after their boyfriends and so on.
I've also been observing how people go out. It's always just girls, just guys or couples together that go out. It's almost never just a group of friends consisting of guys and girls. I asked a girl if we could meet with her boyfriend and hang out as the three of us. She was wondering why on earth I'd want that. I feel like people are missing out on so much when the other sex is just ignored as potential friends.
The roles of the sexes are very traditional. Most women her are so modest and so frigging proper. I mean come on, let your hair out and live a little. Girls in relationships seem so clingy and getting married young is a high priority.
Some cultural relativist could maybe help me cope with this. I do realise that I come from a country where the sexes are much more equal than in probably most other countries in the world. Most people here probably see nothing wrong with this system and are happy with their part. This is the western girl talking but she is just so annoyed with this right now!
Some cultural relativist could maybe help me cope with this. I do realise that I come from a country where the sexes are much more equal than in probably most other countries in the world. Most people here probably see nothing wrong with this system and are happy with their part. This is the western girl talking but she is just so annoyed with this right now!
sunnuntai 9. maaliskuuta 2014
I hate you Petrozavodsk, you're awesome.
Life is slowly becoming "normal" here, meaning I've started to find my way around the city and although I really don't have a daily rhythm, I could have one if I wanted to. I got my room "upgraded" after complaining about the prison-level (yeah okay Finnish prison, not Russian) bed and a sore back and the passive-aggressive roommate. I got to move into a bigger room with a decent bed and more space and, most importantly, a lovely roommate. Olga is from Ukraine and studies Finnish. I feel a lot better about living in the общежитие (obshezhitie, dormitory) now.
One of the most wonderful things is that there are Russian sentences coming out of my mouth. They are rarely grammatically even close to correct but that doesn't matter. I'm speaking in sentences, not just single words like before. I guess four double lessons of Russian per week is helping. As well as sitting on lectures in Russian, as well as living with someone who actually wants to speak Russian with me. I also got a "tandem" in Russian. In tandem study two native speakers who study each other's languages get together to practise. I had the first meeting with my tandem, a medical student called Dinara, today. She's just lovely. A very talkative and a joyful person. We had a great time and I think I will learn a lot by just talking with her.
Being an exchange student in emotionally quite hard, I must say. Just because each emotion is bigger than at home. Without the usual social safety net, sadness and loneliness feel stronger. There's so much going on that I feel excited everyday. There's interesting, wonderful people everywhere. Being here is rewarding and draining at the same time, like a friend of mine put it. I'm tired all the time but that's no wonder. It's hard to get to sleep at night and I have nightmares. The initial weight-loss has been tackled and the problem is now a more, well, sort of a traditional exchange student weight problem. I did sign up for a ladies gym just around the corner. The gym has some features that a Finnish ladies gym would probably wouldn't have, including a dance class titled "strip dance".
Some days I feel really alien in this city. The other day I went to a café and was given some really bad looks by a young woman. I couldn't figure out why. Possibly my shoes were too dirty (they're always too dirty) or my clothes were too weird or she remembered me from uni and didn't like foreigners. Sometimes it would be nice to blend in better. I've learnt to avoid speaking foreign languages too loudly on the phone. Some of my friends have been told not to speak English on the bus. I know this is nothing compared to something that many foreign people go through in Finland on a daily basis but it's interesting to see things from "this side". I went to Saint Petersburg last weekend and it was nice to be a little less "special" for a while.
Nevertheless, right now there's no place I'd rather be than the beautiful, dirty Petrozavodsk.
One of the most wonderful things is that there are Russian sentences coming out of my mouth. They are rarely grammatically even close to correct but that doesn't matter. I'm speaking in sentences, not just single words like before. I guess four double lessons of Russian per week is helping. As well as sitting on lectures in Russian, as well as living with someone who actually wants to speak Russian with me. I also got a "tandem" in Russian. In tandem study two native speakers who study each other's languages get together to practise. I had the first meeting with my tandem, a medical student called Dinara, today. She's just lovely. A very talkative and a joyful person. We had a great time and I think I will learn a lot by just talking with her.
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| In Saint Petersburg with Atte and Xavier |
Being an exchange student in emotionally quite hard, I must say. Just because each emotion is bigger than at home. Without the usual social safety net, sadness and loneliness feel stronger. There's so much going on that I feel excited everyday. There's interesting, wonderful people everywhere. Being here is rewarding and draining at the same time, like a friend of mine put it. I'm tired all the time but that's no wonder. It's hard to get to sleep at night and I have nightmares. The initial weight-loss has been tackled and the problem is now a more, well, sort of a traditional exchange student weight problem. I did sign up for a ladies gym just around the corner. The gym has some features that a Finnish ladies gym would probably wouldn't have, including a dance class titled "strip dance".
Some days I feel really alien in this city. The other day I went to a café and was given some really bad looks by a young woman. I couldn't figure out why. Possibly my shoes were too dirty (they're always too dirty) or my clothes were too weird or she remembered me from uni and didn't like foreigners. Sometimes it would be nice to blend in better. I've learnt to avoid speaking foreign languages too loudly on the phone. Some of my friends have been told not to speak English on the bus. I know this is nothing compared to something that many foreign people go through in Finland on a daily basis but it's interesting to see things from "this side". I went to Saint Petersburg last weekend and it was nice to be a little less "special" for a while.
Nevertheless, right now there's no place I'd rather be than the beautiful, dirty Petrozavodsk.
Help Soviet style
A few quiet weeks with the blog. I guess it means I'm starting to have a life here, which isn't bad at all. Now that I the social work training period is finished, I'll try to summarise some of my experiences there.
There are about 20 people working at the centre (of 40 beds!). This includes cleaners, medical staff, social workers, a psychologist and a lawyer. For there to be enough work for everyone, the way work errands are carried out must be very ineffective. For example, there's something called "акция" (akstiya) carried out at the centre about once a month. It lasts a few days, during which a lot of homeless people come to get medical check-ups, clothes and a warm meal. Everyone receiving help must register and a form must be filled. The form is a page full of questions, such as passport number, (former) occupation, level of education etc. The form must be filled each time, even if they've been there before. Majority of the people have been. There are computers at the centre and I just found it impossible to understand, why not create files for these people on the computer, just so that they wouldn't have to give the same information a hundred times. But why do that, when doing things like that employs more people? During the aktsiya the centre, to me, was chaotic. People running back and forth and no one knowing what's happening. But in the end, the people in need got their meals and clean clothes, so I guess their system worked.
Преодоление (Preodoleniye, Overcoming) is the only municipal centre for homeless people in Petrozavodsk. After this month or so I got to follow the work done there, I must say, I don't think help really got to these people. Most of the help provided by the centre has to do with helping these people with their documents. Of course, they also got help concerning finding a place to live and medical help, even help to fight alcohol addiction. It's just that, in my opinion, these people aren't really encountered in any way. The psychologic "help" they receive, if I understood correctly, consists mainly of some tests and questionnaires. I don't think the help provided by this centre helps many people to find "a new beginning". Judging by the amount of messy blue hand tattoos, majority of the clients are former convicts. In Russia it must be really difficult, if not impossible, to reintegrate into society after having been to prison.
A few weeks ago I was asked by the centre director whether I wanted to take part on an excursion visiting a monastery. Of course I did. With my amazing Russian, all I understood of his explanation where these three things (excursion, monastery, do you want to join?) so I really had little idea what was going to happen. I assumed it would be an excursion with the workers of the shelter, where the monasteries would tell about the charity work they do or something of that sort. It turned out to be an excursion for homeless people. Me and Tanya and a worker from the centre and about 10–15 clients of the centre dressed in their best got on a minibus and drove to two different monasteries on the Leningrad Oblast, Введено-Ояатский женский монастырь (a female monastery by the side of river Oyatskiy) and Свято-Троицкий Александра Свирского мужской монастырь (The monastery of Alexander Svirsky, suomeksi Aleksanteri Syväriläisen Pyhän kolminaisuuden luostari).
When we got on the bus, I imagined that the trip was organised by the monasteries, that the clients of the centre would be greeted by people from the monasteries, maybe they would be provided a meal, maybe the would get to discuss with someone if they wanted to. I had my hopes up, maybe these people would get some help, maybe somebody would listen to their worries. But no. We were given basic guided tours to the monasteries. Some time for prayer was given and many of the clients seemed quite touched especially by the relics of Alexander Svirsky. I'm sure many of the clients were happy to be on the trip but still, I was disappointed. If I worked in a monastery and heard that a group of homeless people was coming to visit, I would organise something. Just do something to make these people feel a little better, try and show that someone cares.
There are about 20 people working at the centre (of 40 beds!). This includes cleaners, medical staff, social workers, a psychologist and a lawyer. For there to be enough work for everyone, the way work errands are carried out must be very ineffective. For example, there's something called "акция" (akstiya) carried out at the centre about once a month. It lasts a few days, during which a lot of homeless people come to get medical check-ups, clothes and a warm meal. Everyone receiving help must register and a form must be filled. The form is a page full of questions, such as passport number, (former) occupation, level of education etc. The form must be filled each time, even if they've been there before. Majority of the people have been. There are computers at the centre and I just found it impossible to understand, why not create files for these people on the computer, just so that they wouldn't have to give the same information a hundred times. But why do that, when doing things like that employs more people? During the aktsiya the centre, to me, was chaotic. People running back and forth and no one knowing what's happening. But in the end, the people in need got their meals and clean clothes, so I guess their system worked.
Преодоление (Preodoleniye, Overcoming) is the only municipal centre for homeless people in Petrozavodsk. After this month or so I got to follow the work done there, I must say, I don't think help really got to these people. Most of the help provided by the centre has to do with helping these people with their documents. Of course, they also got help concerning finding a place to live and medical help, even help to fight alcohol addiction. It's just that, in my opinion, these people aren't really encountered in any way. The psychologic "help" they receive, if I understood correctly, consists mainly of some tests and questionnaires. I don't think the help provided by this centre helps many people to find "a new beginning". Judging by the amount of messy blue hand tattoos, majority of the clients are former convicts. In Russia it must be really difficult, if not impossible, to reintegrate into society after having been to prison.
A few weeks ago I was asked by the centre director whether I wanted to take part on an excursion visiting a monastery. Of course I did. With my amazing Russian, all I understood of his explanation where these three things (excursion, monastery, do you want to join?) so I really had little idea what was going to happen. I assumed it would be an excursion with the workers of the shelter, where the monasteries would tell about the charity work they do or something of that sort. It turned out to be an excursion for homeless people. Me and Tanya and a worker from the centre and about 10–15 clients of the centre dressed in their best got on a minibus and drove to two different monasteries on the Leningrad Oblast, Введено-Ояатский женский монастырь (a female monastery by the side of river Oyatskiy) and Свято-Троицкий Александра Свирского мужской монастырь (The monastery of Alexander Svirsky, suomeksi Aleksanteri Syväriläisen Pyhän kolminaisuuden luostari).
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| Lunch break |
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| Alexander Svirsky Monastery |
I really wanted to talk to these people but I didn't know what to say with my poor Russian. Now I feel sad that I didn't even try. I mean, I could've asked for their names or just something really simple. One image from this trip has stayed with me. A small old man, standing in the middle of a church, in trousers way too big. Clenching his hat in his hands, with a very serious look on his face. Looking so tiny and so lost. Bless him.
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