I feel like I’m too young to give up on my dreams. I’ve always thought the greatest part of being young is the almost limitless freedom: I don’t own anything (valuable) and I’m not responsible for anyone else. Therefore I’m free to do what ever the hell I want in life. Right?
Yes, I can make any choices I want. But I must accept that every action has its consequences. Selfish behaviour often hurts others. I still think deciding to stay in Petrozavodsk was and is the right decision. I had a strong feeling that I just had to do it. I needed to feel that I’m in control of my own life and not heading towards a life I never really chose but which just somehow happened.
The Conventional Pattern (Sovinnainen kaava)
1) Get a place to study.
2) Find a spouse.
3) Get engaged a few years before graduation.
4) Graduate on time.
5) Get married.
6) Find a job in Helsinki.
7) Move to Espoo suburbs (with way too big a mortgage).
8) Start making babies because you’re so bored.
9) Realise this isn’t the life you wanted.
Sometime last year I realised my life was heading exactly towards this “proper way of living”. I felt like this type of life was expected of me. Who expected it? Certainly not my parents, they’re happy if I’m happy, no matter what kind of a life I choose to lead. The Finnish society is fairly liberal and it’s definitely not expecting this kind of a pattern from me. It’s only me who’s built this pattern in my head it’s only myself I’m rebelling against. For a long time I thought The Pattern was what J wanted from life. Now I’ve learnt he doesn’t want it any more than I do.
Moving to Petrozavodsk has made me feel like I’m in control. I’m in charge of my own life. It’s a very misguided feeling because who can control life. Isn’t it the most ridiculous thought? Anything can happen. While we can have some influence on the smaller issues in life, the big picture is determined by greater forces.
I guess the challenge here it to turn this experience from running away from something into taking in adventures and learning. I think I’ve already partly achieved this but there are still some issues to tackle. The biggest issue is how to combine this thirst for adventure and feeling of freedom with a steady relationship. When I told J about the opportunity to stay and work here, I promised him we would make the decision together. Now that I think of it, I probably would’ve stayed anyhow. Of course the decision would’ve been much harder to make, had he said he doesn’t want me to stay. It’s such a paradox. I do think that big decisions like this should be made together but simultaneously I think it’s wrong to “limit” the other person. That especially at such a young age, we should encourage the other person to fulfill their dreams, even though it might be tough sometimes. J pointed out that he doesn’t want to limit me, he just wants these to be mutual decisions. He wishes that the other person’s feelings would weigh more when making such decisions. And I agree. But how can it be a mutual decision, if I think it would be wrong for him to say no?
I strongly feel like I’m too young to start making compromises. Too young to give up on what I want from my life. But when does the time of sacrifices start? How much can you ask from your loved ones?
Advice is appreciated.
